I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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