There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she smelled like a LAN party
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
