I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
