i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
