I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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