GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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