You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
