Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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