I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize