apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Oh god it's open bar.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
