airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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