so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize