Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
