I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
