she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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