I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
