This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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