I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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