i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize