my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
