your parents love me but you hate me
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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