i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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