A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
