I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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