hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
