dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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