I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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