I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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