Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
