why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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