my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
