I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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