my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
