Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
