Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Sober January is a disaster.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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