I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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