$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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