i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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