A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
