I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
