I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
