I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
