I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my phone needs a breathalizer
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
