Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
