I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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