i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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