My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
