Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
