I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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