i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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