Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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