Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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