my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
