The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Boobs speak an international language.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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