I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
This baby is an asshole
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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